There is a difference between moving on and healing. Since 2018, I have been moving through an epic life transformation. Prior to that, I went through a 6 year period of trauma and abuse. The last 3 years have been a shift in course that took me far away from the life I was living. I can’t remember the last time I looked back. I can say that with every part of me, I have moved on, let go, and said good riddance to all of the stories I was once so attached to. I’ve come to terms with the part of me that once believed in something that either wasn’t real or wasn’t for me. I went back to school, changed my career, changed my religious/spiritual views, I rebuilt my family, I even changed my name. It’s no question that I have moved on. Yet, I would find myself constantly having to manage my triggers and avoid the urge to run away when things got tough. I was dependent on exercise, holistic health, Vedic philosophy, and energy work because all of these modalities kept me from feeling what I didn’t want to feel.
I had moved on but I had not healed. A person who has healed has the power to look into the eyes of the person who hurt them the most and not only forgive them, but respect them. If someone would have said that to me a year ago, I would have wondered what kind of sociopathic bullshit they subscribed to. If you’re rolling your eyes right now, I get it. There are no exceptions to this. I am not naive to how sick humans can be. I have seen some of the darkest parts of humanity and have allowed this knowing to destroy me. I built barriers around the pain and fear so that I could avoid it at all costs. That isn’t enough. That is not a sustainable way of dealing with things.
True healing calls us to go into that pain. Feel it ripping through your body like a wildfire and know that it is melting all of the suffering. Look into the mirror and stare deeply into your own eyes and witness yourself as you search for a way out. Tears pouring down your cheeks, acknowledging the victimhood that you know isn’t serving you anymore and feeling into the ground in which it is rooted. What is alive? What is here that you refuse to look at? Don’t run from it, look at it more deeply. Feel it and don’t stop feeling it until there is nothing left to feel but compassion. Notice that your pain is a manifestation of deep love for yourself. You are grieving something that went wrong. You are aware of your worth and a story that bulldozed it. As you allow that spark of self-love to spread like warm pink light through your body, remember that you are here. You are living and breathing on this rock that floats through space. That is enough proof that you are still worthy to be here, exactly as you are. You are pure and innocent in the eyes of the Divine. Otherwise, you would not exist. That innocence is true for every human. Every living thing, no matter how mentally dis-eased they might be. Dis-ease is a manifestation of a sick culture that has been imbalanced for hundreds of years. Its only cure is forgiveness and compassion.
Achieving authentic compassion all the way down to the marrow in your bones requires the ability to zoom out. Zoom out of your brain, your body, the Earth, beyond the sky, beyond the galaxy and notice how small you become. Notice all of the empty space around you and understand that space isn’t empty at all. This space is intelligent energy that is in absolute control of everything as you know it. It maps out your incarnations, life, death, karma (fate/destiny) and dharma (truth/reality). This energy isn’t always invisible. It can show up as the beauty of a new baby being born or the harmonious balance of the ecosystem. It can also show up as the force of a hurricane, a forest fire, an avalanche, or a rip tide. Try to imagine resisting these things. Imagine the hundreds of people who lost their homes and their lives to the fires in California because this kind of energy can not be resisted. It’s impossible. When you believe that you have that kind of power, you are becoming a portal for narcissism to come through.
Terrible things happen for reasons we don’t always understand right away. If you are capable of reading this, than you know by now that the human experience isn’t easy at all. This realization is what causes so many to become atheist or agnostic. I have spent years of my life saying that if God was real, how could he allow something like this to happen? Our human brains are so small in comparison to the tapestry of life that we are woven into. We don’t get to see the bigger picture. Regardless, we are here and we are a part of this crazy life. How we look at it is our choice. You can fight the rip tide or you can open your heart to the most disorienting moments. You can close your eyes and fall backwards into the abyss and know that whatever is meant to be, will be. Whatever has been wasn’t without purpose. Every initiation was to pressure you and mold you into being exactly the way you are meant to be. That whatever unique shape your soul has taken on is the perfect puzzle piece that fills the gap in space & time that needs you here, exactly as you are.
This can be said about the future as well. Whatever it is that your concerned about is already taken care of. You have the choice to carry the weight of anxiety, fears, and worry or you can offer it up and choose to trust. When you are healed, you have the ability to become empty presence. You are allowed to just BE. Imagine being entirely liberated from pain, resentment, grief, anxiety, sadness, depression, and suffering.
You have the choice. You are not alone.